User:Guido/Wishlist/Part 4: Difference between revisions

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===WISHLIST PART 4===
<noinclude>
:Getting a little aggressive with the editing, I'm afraid.
:And hair-splitting just doesn't get worse than this...
:Sorry.
::[[User:Geyser|geyser]] 22:05, 28 October 2006 (CEST)
==Wishlist Part 4==
{{GuidoWishlist|right}}
</noinclude>
<includeonly>
===Part 4===
</includeonly>
Intense rainfall.
:Thick layers of clouds darken a summer evening.
::(you can't really see that through heavy rain, can you? [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
Through the gloom (and sheets of falling water... [[User:Geyser|geyser]]), we can see a convoy of six vehicles.
:The ones towards the middle are an ambulance and a couple of trucks.
::(what are the other vehicles, then? or do you mean we can't see them clearly enough, except for an overall shape? [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
Something has stopped them as they were siding a collapsed highway.
:(siding??? ''bypassing'' a damaged section of the road... or ''driving along'' a collapsed viaduct? [[User:Geyser|geyser]]).
----
:Not like we really care why it "collapsed", but I'm curious as for what "collapsed highway" means.
:A "highway" is just a regular road, not an elevated one, so it can't come down in the way a bridge can.
:And if we're talking about an elevated freeway, then there should be a reason why it was erected in the first place
:either we're very close to a city (and the freeway passes over other constructions),
:or the viaduct is bridging ''something'' : a swamp, a canyon, or just too steep a slope to put an ordinary road on.
::[[User:Geyser|geyser]] 22:05, 28 October 2006 (CEST)
----
::(New panel? [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
The second truck got stuck in the muddy terrain.
:Its wheels are half-buried under its weight
::(All its wheels... wow. Haven't they seen it coming? [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
:(If the second truck got all its wheels buried up to the axle, then :
:*the first truck should have got stuck itself and/or signaled the second
:*the ambulance doesn't stand a chance at all.
::[[User:Geyser|geyser]])


''Intense rainfall. Thick layers of clouds darken a summer evening. Through the gloom, we can notice a caravan. It is a group of six vehicles (an ambulance and a couple of trucks stay in the center). Something has stopped them as they were siding a collapsed highway. The second truck is stuck in the muddy terrain. Its wheels are half-buried by its own weight. Eight small figures are running forth and back harnessing both of the trucks. The lights inside the cockpits show us the shapes of other people waiting in their driving positions''.
Eight small figures are running back and forth setting up the first truck to tow the second out.
:(You didn't mention the ramps they should be ready to stick under the wheels. [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
The cabin lights mark the shapes of the drivers waiting in their seats.




----
----
KAZUO (a driver) is leaning onto the dashboard of his vehicle (the ambulance? [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
:It's too wet for enjoying a cigarette (not inside the cabin, it shouldn't. [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
He watches the rain as it's hammering away at the car's hood ("usual trajectory" = straight down? [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
:He wishes he was driving.


'''KAZUO''' ''is leaning to the dashboard'',
----
MRS. HISHIKAWA knocks on his window (car door, driver side). KAZUO lowers the glass.
:(Depending on the direction of the rain, winding down the window can be a bad idea or a ''very'' bad idea. [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
::(If someone knocks on my car window in a downpour, most people will probably open the ''door''. I know I would. [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
:(As for Ms. Hishikawa, making Kazuo wind the window down and then back up is terrible planning, since she wants him to come along anyway. [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
::(To get a guy who's inside a car to help me (under a pouring rain), I'd either open the door myself, or signal him out. [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
:(OK, OK, if the wind is from Kazuo's side, the actions of both people ''might'' make sense, but there's still the splashing... [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
::(Just ignore this. [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
----
<strike>
;MRS. HISHIKAWA
:Don’t say you don’t like a thing because you have not tasted it yet.
;KAZUO
:Let me guess... adventure?
</strike>
----
;MRS. HISHIKAWA
:Make yourself useful : come with me.


''the weather’s too wet for enjoying a cigarette''.  
;KAZUO
 
(frantically looks at his near-empty package of cigarettes, says nothing)
(''He observes the rain with its usual trajectory, picking the bonnet of a car he should be instead driving by now''.)
----
:(Paneling? approximate viewing angles? [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
They leave the car, and join the small crowd around the second truck.
:(wasn't the crowd between the front of the second truck and the back of the first one? [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
There’s something unexpected going on. The methodical moves of the crew are disturbed by someone who has joined the party.
:(Again, they wanted to tow it out, when did they did they start pushing? without towing? [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
::(How can Konoko possibly get in their way if their only hope is to ''tow'' the truck out, manpower being out of proportion with the problem? [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
Konoko is willfully trying to push the second truck from behind, together with two members of the expedition.
:(What's the problem with ''them''? Is the front truck towing? If not, why do those two guys play along with Konoko? [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
The driver has turned on the engine, rear wheels spin away in the mud, sending spurts flying in every direction.
:(Actually, a very specific direction... [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
Eventually Konoko slips into the dirt.


----
----
:(Paneling? approximate viewing angles? [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
She’s a hopeless case. KAZUO and MRS.HISHIKAWA drag her away.
:(they lift her up first. [[User:Geyser|geyser]]) (doesn't she oppose any resistance then? [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
-----
;MRS. HISHIKAWA
:There’s a better way to get our attention, you know.


('''MRS. HISHIKAWA''' ''knocks at his window glass''. '''KAZUO''' ''lowers it''.)
;KONOKO
(wheezes) (??? [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
:I am fine...
(as she refuses their help (with how much conviction and strength? [[User:Geyser|geyser]]) )


'''MRS. HISHIKAWA''' Don’t say you don’t like a thing because you have not tasted it yet.
;KAZUO V.O. (thought)
:DEAD DRUNK, DEFINITELY.


'''KAZUO''' Let me guess … adventure?
;MRS. HISHIKAWA
:Kazuo, please take her to the ambulance. Give her what she wants and send her off.


(''He frantically looks at his almost-empty package of cigarettes'')  
----
:(Paneling? approximate viewing angles? [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
Konoko looks worse than ever. A soaking wet coat, a mass of filthy hair, a thin pale face with two questioning eyes.
:(how would the filthy hair show under the pouring rain? seems to me it would be primarily very wet, and therefore reasonably clean [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
:(you didn't mention the mud, which would be the only touch of "filth" if you ask me... [[User:Geyser|geyser]])


'''MRS. HISHIKAWA''' “Make yourself useful. And come with me�?
They let KONOKO into the rear of the ambulance, then MRS. HISHIKAWA leaves to attend more urgent matters (hm, just what would ''those'' be? [[User:Geyser|geyser]])


(''They leave the car, and join the small crowd around the second truck. However there’s something unexpected going on. Their methodical moves are disturbed by someone who has joined the party. Konoko is willfully trying to push the second truck from behind, together with two members of the expedition. The driver has turned on the engine, wheels on the rear spin into the mod, sizzling spurts in every direction. Konoko finally slips into the dirty.'')  
----
;KAZUO
(once he is sure MRS. HISHIKAWA cannot hear him)
:Crusty '''(??? [[User:Geyser|geyser]])''' woman.
turns on the lights in the ambulance
----
;KAZUO
(to KONOKO)
:Stop it!
----
Konoko is like a filthy ragged spot raging a perfectly clean space.
:(??? explain what she's doing and why. Also, why the "filth" and "rags"? [[User:Geyser|geyser]])


(''She’s a desperate case''. '''KAZUO''' ''and'' '''MRS.HISHIKAWA''' ''drag her away''.)
;KONOKO
(stopping)
:Can you spare a meal?


'''MRS. HISHIKAWA''' There’s another way for buying our attention.
;KAZUO
:Just tell me if you're part of the solution or part of the problem.


'''KONOKO''' (''wheezes'') I am fine… (''as she refuses their help''.)
;KONOKO
freezes and sits down
:(in a previous version : "humiliated". [[User:Geyser|geyser]])


'''KAZUO V.O'''.: DEAD DRUNK, ABSOLUTELY.
----
Scene break
:KAZUO gives KONOKO her meal, and they start talking
----
----
KAZUO and KONOKO are now sitting on separate benches (gurneys? [[User:Geyser|geyser]]), facing each other across the ambulance.  
KONOKO is devouring an improvised collection of snacks, medical rations, and hot drinks.


'''MRS. HISHIKAWA''' Please, take her to the ambulance, Kazuo. Give her what she wants and then send her off.  
;KAZUO
:...People home in on us. They bring their sick, they beg for food and medicine... but we just can't take care of every single one of them.


(''Konoko looks even worse than ever. A soaking wet coat, a mass of filthy hair, a thin pale face with two questioning eyes.'' )
;KONOKO
(chewing)
:So your boss is not a bad person after all.


(''They let enter'' '''KONOKO''' ''into the rear of the ambulance, then'' '''MRS. HISHIKAWA''' ''leaves them for attending more urgent matters'')
;KAZUO
 
:She's a ''practical'' person.
'''KAZUO''': (''after he is sure'' '''MRS. HISHIKAWA''' ''cannot hear his voice'') Crusty woman.
(smiles)
 
----
(''turns on the lights in the ambulance'')
KAZUO observes Konoko in silence. She doesn’t mind the scrutiny.
 
----
'''KAZUO''': (''to'' '''KONOKO''')Stop it! (''Konoko is like a filthy ragged spot raging a perfectly clean space''.)
<strike>
 
;KAZUO V.O. (thought?)
'''KONOKO''': (''stops'') Can’t you spare a meal?
:Even if I had been told of my father’s cancer, little would have changed.
 
::It would have merely delayed the mourning until much later.
'''KAZUO''': Just tell me if I must consider you as a part of the of the solution or a part of the problem.
:Back then I felt guilty of my indifference, not of how I had left him alone.
 
::But as I went through my memories again and again, I could no longer overlook that.
'''KONOKO''': freezes and sits down.
----
 
KONOKO is done with the meal. She curls up on the bench. Falls into a deep sleep. (three phases? [[User:Geyser|geyser]])
        (''hiatus'')
----
 
;KAZUO V.O. ?
('''KAZUO''' ''and'' '''KONOKO''' ''are now sitting on separate benches, on the opposite sides of the ambulance''.)
::::I only want to apologize.
 
----
(''She is devouring an improvised collection of snacks, medical rations, and hot drinks''.)
Dream sequence?
 
</strike>
'''KAZUO''':…''Too many people carry their wounded to us- they beg us for some food and medicines. But we can’t afford all their requests''.
 
'''KONOKO'''
:(''chewing'')… your boss is a kind person after all.
 
'''KAZUO'''
:but a practical one. (''smiles'')
 
(''Kazuo is observing Konoko in silence- she doesn’t care about having two eyes put on her'')
'''KAZUO'''<strike> V.o: Even if I had been told of my father’s cancer, nothing would have changed. </strike>
 
 
<strike>:-- I would have sighed after  his loss only much later. </strike>
 
<strike>I felt guilty of my indifference, rather than the fact I had let him alone. </strike>
 
<strike>But for as I exercised my memory, </strike>
 
<strike>I couldn’t hide this detail to me. </strike>
 
<strike>'''KONOKO'''</strike>
 
<strike>(''she’s finished with the meal'') </strike>
 
<strike>(''she crouches on the bench'')</strike>
 
<strike>(''falling into a deep sleep'')</strike>
 
 
        <strike> “I only want to apologize.?</strike>






(''dream sequence?)''
----
----
{|align="right"
<noinclude>{{GuidoWishlist|center}}</noinclude>
|colspan="2"|
'''FORWARD TO''' [[WishlistPart5]]
|}
'''BACK TO''' [[WishlistPart3]]


'''BACK TO''' [[User:Guido]]
[[Category:Oni 2]]

Latest revision as of 17:24, 16 April 2013

Getting a little aggressive with the editing, I'm afraid.
And hair-splitting just doesn't get worse than this...
Sorry.
geyser 22:05, 28 October 2006 (CEST)

Wishlist Part 4

Guido's Wishlist : trial scenes for Oni 2

  1. Avatar and Konoko
  2. Oldman, Konoko and SmallGirl
  3. Mushroom Drunkyard
  4. Show me the way to NeoTokyo


Intense rainfall.

Thick layers of clouds darken a summer evening.
(you can't really see that through heavy rain, can you? geyser)

Through the gloom (and sheets of falling water... geyser), we can see a convoy of six vehicles.

The ones towards the middle are an ambulance and a couple of trucks.
(what are the other vehicles, then? or do you mean we can't see them clearly enough, except for an overall shape? geyser)

Something has stopped them as they were siding a collapsed highway.

(siding??? bypassing a damaged section of the road... or driving along a collapsed viaduct? geyser).

Not like we really care why it "collapsed", but I'm curious as for what "collapsed highway" means.
A "highway" is just a regular road, not an elevated one, so it can't come down in the way a bridge can.
And if we're talking about an elevated freeway, then there should be a reason why it was erected in the first place
either we're very close to a city (and the freeway passes over other constructions),
or the viaduct is bridging something : a swamp, a canyon, or just too steep a slope to put an ordinary road on.
geyser 22:05, 28 October 2006 (CEST)

(New panel? geyser)

The second truck got stuck in the muddy terrain.

Its wheels are half-buried under its weight
(All its wheels... wow. Haven't they seen it coming? geyser)
(If the second truck got all its wheels buried up to the axle, then :
  • the first truck should have got stuck itself and/or signaled the second
  • the ambulance doesn't stand a chance at all.
geyser)

Eight small figures are running back and forth setting up the first truck to tow the second out.

(You didn't mention the ramps they should be ready to stick under the wheels. geyser)

The cabin lights mark the shapes of the drivers waiting in their seats.



KAZUO (a driver) is leaning onto the dashboard of his vehicle (the ambulance? geyser)

It's too wet for enjoying a cigarette (not inside the cabin, it shouldn't. geyser)

He watches the rain as it's hammering away at the car's hood ("usual trajectory" = straight down? geyser)

He wishes he was driving.

MRS. HISHIKAWA knocks on his window (car door, driver side). KAZUO lowers the glass.

(Depending on the direction of the rain, winding down the window can be a bad idea or a very bad idea. geyser)
(If someone knocks on my car window in a downpour, most people will probably open the door. I know I would. geyser)
(As for Ms. Hishikawa, making Kazuo wind the window down and then back up is terrible planning, since she wants him to come along anyway. geyser)
(To get a guy who's inside a car to help me (under a pouring rain), I'd either open the door myself, or signal him out. geyser)
(OK, OK, if the wind is from Kazuo's side, the actions of both people might make sense, but there's still the splashing... geyser)
(Just ignore this. geyser)

MRS. HISHIKAWA
Don’t say you don’t like a thing because you have not tasted it yet.
KAZUO
Let me guess... adventure?


MRS. HISHIKAWA
Make yourself useful : come with me.
KAZUO

(frantically looks at his near-empty package of cigarettes, says nothing)


(Paneling? approximate viewing angles? geyser)

They leave the car, and join the small crowd around the second truck.

(wasn't the crowd between the front of the second truck and the back of the first one? geyser)

There’s something unexpected going on. The methodical moves of the crew are disturbed by someone who has joined the party.

(Again, they wanted to tow it out, when did they did they start pushing? without towing? geyser)
(How can Konoko possibly get in their way if their only hope is to tow the truck out, manpower being out of proportion with the problem? geyser)

Konoko is willfully trying to push the second truck from behind, together with two members of the expedition.

(What's the problem with them? Is the front truck towing? If not, why do those two guys play along with Konoko? geyser)

The driver has turned on the engine, rear wheels spin away in the mud, sending spurts flying in every direction.

(Actually, a very specific direction... geyser)

Eventually Konoko slips into the dirt.


(Paneling? approximate viewing angles? geyser)

She’s a hopeless case. KAZUO and MRS.HISHIKAWA drag her away.

(they lift her up first. geyser) (doesn't she oppose any resistance then? geyser)

MRS. HISHIKAWA
There’s a better way to get our attention, you know.
KONOKO

(wheezes) (??? geyser)

I am fine...

(as she refuses their help (with how much conviction and strength? geyser) )

KAZUO V.O. (thought)
DEAD DRUNK, DEFINITELY.
MRS. HISHIKAWA
Kazuo, please take her to the ambulance. Give her what she wants and send her off.

(Paneling? approximate viewing angles? geyser)

Konoko looks worse than ever. A soaking wet coat, a mass of filthy hair, a thin pale face with two questioning eyes.

(how would the filthy hair show under the pouring rain? seems to me it would be primarily very wet, and therefore reasonably clean geyser)
(you didn't mention the mud, which would be the only touch of "filth" if you ask me... geyser)

They let KONOKO into the rear of the ambulance, then MRS. HISHIKAWA leaves to attend more urgent matters (hm, just what would those be? geyser)


KAZUO

(once he is sure MRS. HISHIKAWA cannot hear him)

Crusty (??? geyser) woman.

turns on the lights in the ambulance


KAZUO

(to KONOKO)

Stop it!

Konoko is like a filthy ragged spot raging a perfectly clean space.

(??? explain what she's doing and why. Also, why the "filth" and "rags"? geyser)
KONOKO

(stopping)

Can you spare a meal?
KAZUO
Just tell me if you're part of the solution or part of the problem.
KONOKO

freezes and sits down

(in a previous version : "humiliated". geyser)

Scene break

KAZUO gives KONOKO her meal, and they start talking


KAZUO and KONOKO are now sitting on separate benches (gurneys? geyser), facing each other across the ambulance. KONOKO is devouring an improvised collection of snacks, medical rations, and hot drinks.

KAZUO
...People home in on us. They bring their sick, they beg for food and medicine... but we just can't take care of every single one of them.
KONOKO

(chewing)

So your boss is not a bad person after all.
KAZUO
She's a practical person.

(smiles)


KAZUO observes Konoko in silence. She doesn’t mind the scrutiny.


KAZUO V.O. (thought?)
Even if I had been told of my father’s cancer, little would have changed.
It would have merely delayed the mourning until much later.
Back then I felt guilty of my indifference, not of how I had left him alone.
But as I went through my memories again and again, I could no longer overlook that.

KONOKO is done with the meal. She curls up on the bench. Falls into a deep sleep. (three phases? geyser)


KAZUO V.O. ?
I only want to apologize.

Dream sequence?



Guido's Wishlist : trial scenes for Oni 2

  1. Avatar and Konoko
  2. Oldman, Konoko and SmallGirl
  3. Mushroom Drunkyard
  4. Show me the way to NeoTokyo