User talk:Guido/Wishlist/Part 4: Difference between revisions
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:once again, a well done scene. | :once again, a well done scene. | ||
::[[User;AF|AF]] | ::[[User;AF|AF]] | ||
Imagine you are spending a few weeks in an endless desolation, wearing the same dress, under adverse weather conditions, no water (only something to drink), concrete heart to fall asleep onto- Let us consider how one can be after a day running like a mad on a bicycle under the rain, or a whole day climbing a rocky mountain. | Imagine you are spending a few weeks in an endless desolation, wearing the same dress, under adverse weather conditions, no water (only something to drink), concrete heart to fall asleep onto- Let us consider how one can be after a day running like a mad on a bicycle under the rain, or a whole day climbing a rocky mountain. Then let's try to wonder how one can seem after several days spent like this. | ||
::[[User:Guido|Guido]] 21:29, 26 October 2006 (CEST) | ::[[User:Guido|Guido]] 21:29, 26 October 2006 (CEST) | ||
:I too have trouble imagining Konoko ("dead drunk"?) making an ass of herself. | :I too have trouble imagining Konoko ("dead drunk"?) making an ass of herself. | ||
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:*why in the world would she allow herself to attain such a state? What happened? | :*why in the world would she allow herself to attain such a state? What happened? | ||
::[[User:Geyser|geyser]] 07:02, 16 October 2006 (CEST) | ::[[User:Geyser|geyser]] 07:02, 16 October 2006 (CEST) | ||
who said she is actually drunken? Don't take Kazuo's impressions for a fact. Konoko is not drunken, if you want my point of view as a narrator- not every line is a trustful description of a situation | who said she is actually drunken? Don't take Kazuo's impressions for a fact. Konoko is not drunken, if you want my point of view as a narrator- not every line is a trustful description of a situation: consider this line as the distorted interpretation of a character. | ||
::[[User:Guido|Guido]] 21:29, 26 October 2006 (CEST) | ::[[User:Guido|Guido]] 21:29, 26 October 2006 (CEST) | ||
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:Still can't proofread right now, sorry. | :Still can't proofread right now, sorry. | ||
::[[User:Geyser|geyser]] 07:02, 16 October 2006 (CEST) | ::[[User:Geyser|geyser]] 07:02, 16 October 2006 (CEST) | ||
There is no problem with Mrs Hishikawa. We can adjust this minor detail as you say Geyser. | |||
Instead the infamous line, makes me some trouble. We can replace it as well. Basically imagine an effective | Instead the infamous line, makes me some trouble. We can replace it as well, but I find personally difficult to find somethng in alternative. Basically imagine an effective phrase that let us understand the reason of the expedition (something like the initiative of an aid association), and the why Mrs Hishikawa seems so unsimpathetic. Consider this line is following a small hiatus. The narration avoids the core of the conversation and we see only the end of it: Kazuo has become more confident with his special guest, as we notice he is getting more and more chatty. | ||
::[[User:Guido|Guido]] 21:29, 26 October 2006 (CEST) | ::[[User:Guido|Guido]] 21:29, 26 October 2006 (CEST) | ||
Revision as of 04:43, 27 October 2006
- Comments
- good. short, sweet, to the point.
- I have a hard time imagining konoko ragged -- after all, she's the toughest and quickest to bounce back, and she has a lot of pride -- but that's my only crit.
- once again, a well done scene.
Imagine you are spending a few weeks in an endless desolation, wearing the same dress, under adverse weather conditions, no water (only something to drink), concrete heart to fall asleep onto- Let us consider how one can be after a day running like a mad on a bicycle under the rain, or a whole day climbing a rocky mountain. Then let's try to wonder how one can seem after several days spent like this.
- Guido 21:29, 26 October 2006 (CEST)
- I too have trouble imagining Konoko ("dead drunk"?) making an ass of herself.
- If she's indeed drunk :
- how did she manage to get drunk out on the range? Wine? Vodka? 90% spirit?
- why in the world would she allow herself to attain such a state? What happened?
- geyser 07:02, 16 October 2006 (CEST)
who said she is actually drunken? Don't take Kazuo's impressions for a fact. Konoko is not drunken, if you want my point of view as a narrator- not every line is a trustful description of a situation: consider this line as the distorted interpretation of a character.
- Guido 21:29, 26 October 2006 (CEST)
- Dialogues are a trifle random "as usual" and sometimes, surprisingly, verbose. Example :
- "Too many people carry their wounded to us - they beg us for some food and medicines. But we can’t afford all their requests."
- ...why the heck is he talking like he's giving an interview? He's changing subjects : he should be thinking aloud...
- Either an overlooked "bug" or an understressed "feature" : Ms. Hishikawa instructing Kazuo to take Konoko to the ambulance, and finally accompanying them all the way.
- Still can't proofread right now, sorry.
- geyser 07:02, 16 October 2006 (CEST)
There is no problem with Mrs Hishikawa. We can adjust this minor detail as you say Geyser. Instead the infamous line, makes me some trouble. We can replace it as well, but I find personally difficult to find somethng in alternative. Basically imagine an effective phrase that let us understand the reason of the expedition (something like the initiative of an aid association), and the why Mrs Hishikawa seems so unsimpathetic. Consider this line is following a small hiatus. The narration avoids the core of the conversation and we see only the end of it: Kazuo has become more confident with his special guest, as we notice he is getting more and more chatty.
- Guido 21:29, 26 October 2006 (CEST)