User:Guido/Wishlist/Part 4

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Getting a little aggressive with the editing, I'm afraid.
And hair-splitting just doesn't get worse than this...
geyser 22:05, 28 October 2006 (CEST)

Wishlist Part 4

Guido's Wishlist : trial scenes for Oni 2

  1. Avatar and Konoko
  2. Oldman, Konoko and SmallGirl
  3. Mushroom Drunkyard
  4. Show me the way to NeoTokyo

Intense rainfall.

Thick layers of clouds darken a summer evening.
(you can't really see that through heavy rain, can you? geyser)

Through the gloom (and sheets of falling water... geyser), we can see a convoy of six vehicles.

The ones towards the middle are an ambulance and a couple of trucks.
(what are the other vehicles, then? or do you mean we can't see them clearly enough, except for an overall shape? geyser)

Something has stopped them as they were siding a collapsed highway.

(siding??? bypassing a damaged section of the road... or driving along a collapsed viaduct? geyser).

Not like we really care why it "collapsed", but I'm curious as for what "collapsed highway" means.
A "highway" is just a regular road, not an elevated one, so it can't come down in the way a bridge can.
And if we're talking about an elevated freeway, then there should be a reason why it was erected in the first place
either we're very close to a city (and the freeway passes over other constructions),
or the viaduct is bridging something : a swamp, a canyon, or just too steep a slope to put an ordinary road on.
geyser 22:05, 28 October 2006 (CEST)

(New panel? geyser)

The second truck got stuck in the muddy terrain.

Its wheels are half-buried under its weight
(All its wheels... wow. Haven't they seen it coming? geyser)
(If the second truck got all its wheels buried up to the axle, then :
  • the first truck should have got stuck itself and/or signaled the second
  • the ambulance doesn't stand a chance at all.

Eight small figures are running back and forth setting up the first truck to tow the second out.

(You didn't mention the ramps they should be ready to stick under the wheels. geyser)

The cabin lights mark the shapes of the drivers waiting in their seats.

KAZUO (a driver) is leaning onto the dashboard of his vehicle (the ambulance? geyser)

It's too wet for enjoying a cigarette (not inside the cabin, it shouldn't. geyser)

He watches the rain as it's hammering away at the car's hood ("usual trajectory" = straight down? geyser)

He wishes he was driving.

MRS. HISHIKAWA knocks on his window (car door, driver side). KAZUO lowers the glass.

(Depending on the direction of the rain, winding down the window can be a bad idea or a very bad idea. geyser)
(If someone knocks on my car window in a downpour, most people will probably open the door. I know I would. geyser)
(As for Ms. Hishikawa, making Kazuo wind the window down and then back up is terrible planning, since she wants him to come along anyway. geyser)
(To get a guy who's inside a car to help me (under a pouring rain), I'd either open the door myself, or signal him out. geyser)
(OK, OK, if the wind is from Kazuo's side, the actions of both people might make sense, but there's still the splashing... geyser)
(Just ignore this. geyser)

Don’t say you don’t like a thing because you have not tasted it yet.
Let me guess... adventure?

Make yourself useful : come with me.

(frantically looks at his near-empty package of cigarettes, says nothing)

(Paneling? approximate viewing angles? geyser)

They leave the car, and join the small crowd around the second truck.

(wasn't the crowd between the front of the second truck and the back of the first one? geyser)

There’s something unexpected going on. The methodical moves of the crew are disturbed by someone who has joined the party.

(Again, they wanted to tow it out, when did they did they start pushing? without towing? geyser)
(How can Konoko possibly get in their way if their only hope is to tow the truck out, manpower being out of proportion with the problem? geyser)

Konoko is willfully trying to push the second truck from behind, together with two members of the expedition.

(What's the problem with them? Is the front truck towing? If not, why do those two guys play along with Konoko? geyser)

The driver has turned on the engine, rear wheels spin away in the mud, sending spurts flying in every direction.

(Actually, a very specific direction... geyser)

Eventually Konoko slips into the dirt.

(Paneling? approximate viewing angles? geyser)

She’s a hopeless case. KAZUO and MRS.HISHIKAWA drag her away.

(they lift her up first. geyser) (doesn't she oppose any resistance then? geyser)

There’s a better way to get our attention, you know.

(wheezes) (??? geyser)

I am fine...

(as she refuses their help (with how much conviction and strength? geyser) )

KAZUO V.O. (thought)
Kazuo, please take her to the ambulance. Give her what she wants and send her off.

(Paneling? approximate viewing angles? geyser)

Konoko looks worse than ever. A soaking wet coat, a mass of filthy hair, a thin pale face with two questioning eyes.

(how would the filthy hair show under the pouring rain? seems to me it would be primarily very wet, and therefore reasonably clean geyser)
(you didn't mention the mud, which would be the only touch of "filth" if you ask me... geyser)

They let KONOKO into the rear of the ambulance, then MRS. HISHIKAWA leaves to attend more urgent matters (hm, just what would those be? geyser)


(once he is sure MRS. HISHIKAWA cannot hear him)

Crusty (??? geyser) woman.

turns on the lights in the ambulance



Stop it!

Konoko is like a filthy ragged spot raging a perfectly clean space.

(??? explain what she's doing and why. Also, why the "filth" and "rags"? geyser)


Can you spare a meal?
Just tell me if you're part of the solution or part of the problem.

freezes and sits down

(in a previous version : "humiliated". geyser)

Scene break

KAZUO gives KONOKO her meal, and they start talking

KAZUO and KONOKO are now sitting on separate benches (gurneys? geyser), facing each other across the ambulance. KONOKO is devouring an improvised collection of snacks, medical rations, and hot drinks.

...People home in on us. They bring their sick, they beg for food and medicine... but we just can't take care of every single one of them.


So your boss is not a bad person after all.
She's a practical person.


KAZUO observes Konoko in silence. She doesn’t mind the scrutiny.

KAZUO V.O. (thought?)
Even if I had been told of my father’s cancer, little would have changed.
It would have merely delayed the mourning until much later.
Back then I felt guilty of my indifference, not of how I had left him alone.
But as I went through my memories again and again, I could no longer overlook that.

KONOKO is done with the meal. She curls up on the bench. Falls into a deep sleep. (three phases? geyser)

I only want to apologize.

Dream sequence?

Guido's Wishlist : trial scenes for Oni 2

  1. Avatar and Konoko
  2. Oldman, Konoko and SmallGirl
  3. Mushroom Drunkyard
  4. Show me the way to NeoTokyo