Talk:Joint Story

Paradox-01 notes

JS had some quirks that I found so distracting that I stopped reading the story at the middle. :/ I am now thinking of re-reading this whole thing. The funny thing is that I very liked the idea of a community driven story at first. After Leus first story post two weeks passed and nothing happened. That's why I wrote the second part, encouraging others to contribute.

Anyway, I don't know why but there are questions I want to be answered:

What could be improved?

Are there interesting concept that could be recycled for other "community-based" stories?

Or maybe should JS be remade?

I don't wish to do the later nor do I propose such. I will just think aloud and take a few notes.

Things I especially liked will be marked with an plus sign, things that I don't with a minus.

Part I

- There are a lot of typos. Even I can see that. Why didn't we attempt to fix them?

- arguable twist: Griffin implanting himself with a Chrysalis felt almost too easy but might work nonetheless (see next line)

- cheesy: talks about himself of being highly morally but easily chooses Mai over his son for Daodan implantation

You probably should portrait Griffin as a man of pragmatism, not as a man with high moral

+ interesting, unexplored concept: daodan as absorbent -> oceanic daodan collective (oceanic gaia) ("mother nature", "Daodan queen")

The first thing that comes to mind is CO2 absorption but also accumulation of toxins and plastic garbage.

The gaia substory can preserve the Daodan's mythic attribute, carrying over from Oni 1.

[Mukade's] research was to use the chrysalis as an absorbent the same way it is able to absorb damage and regenerate the host's cells ... he hoped to be able to absorb toxins from air or water by using the chrysalis"

- It feels cheesy that Barabus gets quickly so emotional and regrets the killing of innocent people for nothing.

Also, stupid anime subboss, hmm. Do we really have to continue that stereotypes here?

+ Introduction of Sarai as embodiment of BGI. Plain and simple right there.

Additionally notes

Barabus' shockwave might be in fact a graphene blast shield originating from his boots. Activating when jumping. Might have been developed to smooth his landing when the jetpack was used.

Part II

soon ^TM