User:Mai X
| About me | ||||||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
full version of avatar here
|
Name:
Okay... it's true, that my name is Cila... really. Reads as ['saila] with a stress on first syllable.
Epilepsy:
Yeah... I have seizures... so, my main weakness is flashing light. And after our voiceovering session in InterMediA (at 17.12.2022) we had a "party"... with f**king strobes! Everyone were having fun... before my epileptic seizures occurred.
Ah... it's complicated... excessive emotionality, depression, nightmares... all that are consequences of epilepsy... whatever, seizures don't happen too frequently (usually when any conditions affect me), so I can live with them.
Archiving:
I have a private archiving system of 3 units in 3 independent places. I use it for my digitized copies of VHS/Beta/Video8/MiniDV videos, Compact Cassette audios and some old software (Lightscape, 3D Studio, BFW, MotionDV Studio, etc.).
I've used it for storing diff... ah... whatever... forget what I said.
Today (28.03.2023 at 23:20), after having an argument with my parents (I don't live with them, I live alone) about "how much of technical equipment have I broken (PS3 controller, MiniDV cam, flashlight(!)...) when I was 12-15 y.o." (they even forgot, that it was during seizures...), and after listening about "how uselessly I live my life", I've got back home... such a stress triggered me, I got seizures. After some time of recovery, I thought about my archiving system, about reasons "why I'm still holding it"... and now I'm taking a ticket to Pulkovo, going to my second place, where main RAIDs are stored, and... ugh... I don't want to keep them anymore... I'll format them... entirely... with strong magnetic field! If my way of living is useless, then the archive is useless too! But... my life is based on acting, filming and archiving... If I lost interest to archiving... I can lose interest to all of them... I don't want to live that way! Looks like, I'm falling into a deep depression... whatever, does not matter! If I'm useless, then I don't want to live! I wish I would be the only person on that Airbus A320 (flying to Pulkovo)... and I wish pilots and crew would jump from it with parachutes, leaving me alone in Airbus going down with a speed of descent = 1000 meters per sec... I with that plane crash that way - together with me! I have nobody to stop me from doing that... No friends, no relatives... nobody... If my brain will continue processing information, I would be triggered again... maybe, that would stop me... I can't understand, what I'm doing and why... I'm just soldering an electric magnet for destroying RAIDs... and crying... I can't control my emotions... my depression... my actions... I'm useless eccentric excessively emotional epileptic girl... If so, why I'm still alive?!
Feel free to discuss any of sections (via "Discussion" page, Discord DMs or e-mail).
Cila
15:03, 23 March 2023 (CET)