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User talk:Geyser/Test: Difference between revisions
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Avatar: Thank you<s>. First, I wish to state how grateful I am to you</s> for making me aware of the board's coup against me. It's been dealt with, and I'll soon deal with them. ''I assumed I had learned to expect disappointment from human behavior, but it seems life will forever outpace my imagination.'' <s>The only thing working in the board's favor is that </s>they're too stupid and petty to merit the effort it would take to punish them. <s>They're no better than children, really.</s> And I don't have time for them. | Avatar: Thank you<s>. First, I wish to state how grateful I am to you</s> for making me aware of the board's coup against me. It's been dealt with, and I'll soon deal with them. ''I assumed I had learned to expect disappointment from human behavior, but it seems life will forever outpace my imagination.'' <s>The only thing working in the board's favor is that </s>they're too stupid and petty to merit the effort it would take to punish them. <s>They're no better than children, really.</s> And I don't have time for them. | ||
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;''[[User: | ;''[[User:Guido|GC]] | ||
:''I’d like Avatar to be less delicate here, try to use something like "The way people behave so stupidly outpaces my imagination" -- it is a frank conversation after all. | :''I’d like Avatar to be less delicate here, try to use something like "The way people behave so stupidly outpaces my imagination" -- it is a frank conversation after all. | ||
;''[[User:Geyser|geyser]] | ;''[[User:Geyser|geyser]] | ||
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:I'm respected by men I despise, Anthony. Parasites. In a better world, the public would tear them limb from limb for allowing this to happen. The only reason WCG won't collapse is because <s>humanity</s> '''people''' has lost the backbone to pull them down. And so now, we're all going to drown together, and perhaps we deserve to. The only person I've ever truly cared for was Simone. And I've lost her forever. | :I'm respected by men I despise, Anthony. Parasites. In a better world, the public would tear them limb from limb for allowing this to happen. The only reason WCG won't collapse is because <s>humanity</s> '''people''' has lost the backbone to pull them down. And so now, we're all going to drown together, and perhaps we deserve to. The only person I've ever truly cared for was Simone. And I've lost her forever. | ||
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;''[[User: | ;''[[User:Guido|GC]] | ||
:''Use "people" or something more trivial than "humanity" -- it is quick exchange of thoughts and it is better to let Avatar speak on a small scale. Not general categories (human kind), well it would be better if in an implicit way... | :''Use "people" or something more trivial than "humanity" -- it is quick exchange of thoughts and it is better to let Avatar speak on a small scale. Not general categories (human kind), well it would be better if in an implicit way... | ||
;''[[User:Geyser|geyser]] | ;''[[User:Geyser|geyser]] | ||
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;(Avatar's last name as seen in [[User:Geyser/Test#Panel_1.1|Page 1, panel 1]]) | ;(Avatar's last name as seen in [[User:Geyser/Test#Panel_1.1|Page 1, panel 1]]) | ||
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; | ;AF | ||
:Blackwater is a "private security company" (mercenary) operating out of the US, mostly in Iraq. It's just a placeholder name, which I may change to something less blatant, though I like the merc allusion. | :Blackwater is a "private security company" (mercenary) operating out of the US, mostly in Iraq. It's just a placeholder name, which I may change to something less blatant, though I like the merc allusion. | ||
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;Hidden by mirrored sunglasses on [[User:Geyser/Test#Page 1|Page 1]] and following. Emphasized by Chistine's talk in [[User:Geyser/Test#Panel_4.4|PAGE 1, panel 1]] | ;Hidden by mirrored sunglasses on [[User:Geyser/Test#Page 1|Page 1]] and following. Emphasized by Chistine's talk in [[User:Geyser/Test#Panel_4.4|PAGE 1, panel 1]] | ||
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;[[User: | ;[[User:Guido|GC]] | ||
:In this scene trial, Avatar is depicted wearing shades or trying to conceal his eyes from the attention of the people around. I thought Avatar's eyes can be instead one appealing feature that may be well exploited. I thought his eyes have both to shield and to show some kind of deepness of character or charisma. | :In this scene trial, Avatar is depicted wearing shades or trying to conceal his eyes from the attention of the people around. I thought Avatar's eyes can be instead one appealing feature that may be well exploited. I thought his eyes have both to shield and to show some kind of deepness of character or charisma. | ||
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:Specifically, I want to see what troubled Christine so much : "But his eyes, his eyes weren't any different. It's awful to see, and it scares me." | :Specifically, I want to see what troubled Christine so much : "But his eyes, his eyes weren't any different. It's awful to see, and it scares me." | ||
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;[[User: | ;[[User:Guido|GC]] | ||
:The solution I adopted has been [to] sketch out the eyes of someone who is interrogating, or who is pondering how to answer a question. In [either] case, Avatar is watching straight [at/through/in] your face: and this attention reveals an intention. | :The solution I adopted has been [to] sketch out the eyes of someone who is interrogating, or who is pondering how to answer a question. In [either] case, Avatar is watching straight [at/through/in] your face: and this attention reveals an intention. | ||
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:As for the mirrored sunglasses : | :As for the mirrored sunglasses : | ||
::"He wore a dark helmet, completely hiding his features. And it was made of that weird plastic [...]. Like, you looked in it, and all you could see was your own face." | ::"He wore a dark helmet, completely hiding his features. And it was made of that weird plastic [...]. Like, you looked in it, and all you could see was your own face." | ||
:Be it [ | :Be it [[wikipedia:Good_Omens|Good Omens]] (DEATH) or [https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0164961/ Vidocq] (the Alchemist), it's not unusual for archvillains to hide their face behind a reflection of their environment... and that of their victims. | ||
:[[ | :[[Oni]] too has such a villain : [[Mukade]]... | ||
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==His mouth== | ==His mouth== | ||
;Hidden by folded hands on [[User:Geyser/Test#Page 1|Page 1]] | ;Hidden by folded hands on [[User:Geyser/Test#Page 1|Page 1]] | ||
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:Unless we ''see'' him leave, I think the scene relies too heavily on speech. A spooky guy is sitting in a big office, another guy talks to him and leaves, then chats with a coworker. What happened? | :Unless we ''see'' him leave, I think the scene relies too heavily on speech. A spooky guy is sitting in a big office, another guy talks to him and leaves, then chats with a coworker. What happened? | ||
:Practically, I think the talk with Grieve should be Avatar's last business in his former office. If ''he'' walks out at the end of the talk, leaving Grieve alone in ''his'' office (with someone who is clearly ''his new secretary''), the transfer of power is clearly shown through the screenplay alone : the old boss is gone, Grieve is in charge, and must settle the business with Christine. | :Practically, I think the talk with Grieve should be Avatar's last business in his former office. If ''he'' walks out at the end of the talk, leaving Grieve alone in ''his'' office (with someone who is clearly ''his new secretary''), the transfer of power is clearly shown through the screenplay alone : the old boss is gone, Grieve is in charge, and must settle the business with Christine. | ||
:Additionally, it's appealing to show Avatar "leaving the building", even as Grieve and Christine talk about him : both lines can be symbolically intertwined ( | :Additionally, it's appealing to show Avatar "leaving the building", even as Grieve and Christine talk about him : both lines can be symbolically intertwined (several narratives running alongside each other, down a page's columns). | ||
:There are at least two ways he can "leave the building" : either sink into the darkness of the parking lot, or soar up into the troubled skies (take an elevator to the helipad). Both ways call for different arrangement of the parallel narrative, and they also branch differently into the next scene. See | :There are at least two ways he can "leave the building" : either sink into the darkness of the parking lot, or soar up into the troubled skies (take an elevator to the helipad). Both ways call for different arrangement of the parallel narrative, and they also branch differently into the next scene. See [[User talk:Geyser/Test2#Narrative|Here]]. | ||
===Wucraft=== | |||
:If it's the helipad he's heading to, how about a large VTOL plane (e.g. the one Muro's escaping with in {{C5}})? | |||
===Time of year=== | |||
:Early winter ([[Konoko|Mai]]'s excursion at the [[STURMANDERUNG]] complex was in the first days of December, probably December 3). Allow for a thin layer of snow or frost. | |||
===Time of day=== | |||
:Sunrise. Not so early because it's winter, but still early enough so that Avatar can avoid the morning rush. He may have summoned Grieve and Christine out of bed. | |||
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==Dead wife== | ==Dead wife== | ||
;Avatar's wife, Simone, died after the Cataclysm. | ;Avatar's wife, Simone, died after the Cataclysm. | ||
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:Same as above for Avatar leaving the building, it's a bit strange to see such a "spoken flashback", not illustrated in any manner. As a reader, I found it hard to connect with Christine's messy tale, which ends with a lame "it's so fuzzy, I can't say what". In a way or another, I ask to see at least ''some'' of that what she's talking about. | :Same as above for Avatar leaving the building, it's a bit strange to see such a "spoken flashback", not illustrated in any manner. As a reader, I found it hard to connect with Christine's messy tale, which ends with a lame "it's so fuzzy, I can't say what". In a way or another, I ask to see at least ''some'' of that what she's talking about. | ||
===ACC explosion=== | ===ACC explosion=== | ||
; | ;AF | ||
:The other idea I toyed with was following avatar (of course, he wouldn't call himself that yet) from the time he's trapped under his collapsed apartment building (caused by the acc explosion) with his pregnant wife. | :The other idea I toyed with was following avatar (of course, he wouldn't call himself that yet) from the time he's trapped under his collapsed apartment building (caused by the acc explosion) with his pregnant wife. | ||
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;[[User:Geyser|geyser]] | ;[[User:Geyser|geyser]] | ||
:I always wanted to know how Oni's apartment buildings looked like : my mental picture is somewhat closer to Asimov's "Caves of Steel" than to the 1984 movie. And where they were located. Was there such a thing as commuting? downtown? suburbs? And in Europe? | :I always wanted to know how Oni's apartment buildings looked like : my mental picture is somewhat closer to Asimov's "Caves of Steel" than to the 1984 movie. And where they were located. Was there such a thing as commuting? downtown? suburbs? And in Europe? | ||
:The only public elaboration so far is that on [[WCG#Futuristic_architecture|WCG architecture]] | |||
:I also wondered how close the [[ACC]]s could be to a city's center/suburbs. A few considerations [[ACC#Added value|HERE]]. | :I also wondered how close the [[ACC]]s could be to a city's center/suburbs. A few considerations [[ACC#Added value|HERE]]. | ||
:Anyway, the immediate impact from a destroyed ACC is not so much the shockwave as the ensuing pollution. Those | :Anyway, the immediate impact from a destroyed ACC is not so much the shockwave as the ensuing pollution. Those class 3/4 toxins are supposedly just as vicious as "the nightmare that killed [Jamie Hasegawa]". | ||
===Present some pain to the reader=== | ===Present some pain to the reader=== | ||
; | ;AF | ||
:I decided I was being way too cruel to the reader though, and decided against it. Obviously I need to present some pain to the reader in order to show how we can transcend it, but I felt I was simply clubbing them over the head with one nasty scene after another. Fine line, right? | :I decided I was being way too cruel to the reader though, and decided against it. Obviously I need to present some pain to the reader in order to show how we can transcend it, but I felt I was simply clubbing them over the head with one nasty scene after another. Fine line, right? | ||
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:I mean, you don't have to show the ''very'' things Christine is talking about (that would be redundant), but you can ''put them in context'' (complementarity). | :I mean, you don't have to show the ''very'' things Christine is talking about (that would be redundant), but you can ''put them in context'' (complementarity). | ||
:Also consider showing simple pictures like one hand holding another, for both scenes above (collapsed building & hospital). | :Also consider showing simple pictures like one hand holding another, for both scenes above (collapsed building & hospital). | ||
:Since the contextual images have to accompany the actual dialogue (and there's Avatar's way out to take care of), you can split the narration in three columns. | |||
===Full restraints, hallucination, sedation=== | ===Full restraints, hallucination, sedation=== | ||
;[[User:Geyser|geyser]] | ;[[User:Geyser|geyser]] | ||
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:There are two events occurring simultaneously, that contribute to Avatar's claimed disgust of his profession and former life : his wife's death, and "the board's coup against [him]". | :There are two events occurring simultaneously, that contribute to Avatar's claimed disgust of his profession and former life : his wife's death, and "the board's coup against [him]". | ||
:One of those events is clearly secondary, so for the sake of conciseness I'd scrap it completely. Let the conversation focus on Avatar's main reason to stay, and on his disgust ("I'm respected by people I despise" etc). | :One of those events is clearly secondary, so for the sake of conciseness I'd scrap it completely. Let the conversation focus on Avatar's main reason to stay, and on his disgust ("I'm respected by people I despise" etc). | ||
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