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 Avatar:  Thank you<s>. First, I wish to state how grateful I am to you</s> for making me aware of the board's coup against me.  It's been dealt with, and I'll soon deal with them.  ''I assumed I had learned to expect disappointment from human behavior, but it seems life will forever outpace my imagination.''  <s>The only thing working in the board's favor is that </s>they're too stupid and petty to merit the effort it would take to punish them.  <s>They're no better than children, really.</s>  And I don't have time for them.
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-;''[[User:GC|GC]]
+;''[[User:Guido|GC]]
 :''I’d like Avatar to be less delicate here, try to use something like "The way people behave so stupidly outpaces my imagination" -- it is a frank conversation after all.
 ;''[[User:Geyser|geyser]]
@@ Line 31: / Line 31: @@
 :I'm respected by men I despise, Anthony.  Parasites.  In a better world, the public would tear them limb from limb for allowing this to happen.  The only reason WCG won't collapse is because <s>humanity</s> '''people''' has lost the backbone to pull them down.  And so now, we're all going to drown together, and perhaps we deserve to.  The only person I've ever truly cared for was Simone.  And I've lost her forever.
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-;''[[User:GC|GC]]
+;''[[User:Guido|GC]]
 :''Use "people" or something more trivial than "humanity" -- it is quick exchange of thoughts and it is better to let Avatar speak on a small scale. Not general categories (human kind), well it would  be better if in an implicit way...
 ;''[[User:Geyser|geyser]]
@@ Line 49: / Line 49: @@
 ;(Avatar's last name as seen in [[User:Geyser/Test#Panel_1.1|Page 1, panel 1]])
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-;[[User:AF|AF]]
+;AF
 :Blackwater is a "private security company" (mercenary) operating out of the US, mostly in Iraq.  It's just a placeholder name, which I may change to something less blatant, though I like the merc allusion.
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@@ Line 81: / Line 81: @@
 ;Hidden by mirrored sunglasses on [[User:Geyser/Test#Page 1|Page 1]] and following. Emphasized by Chistine's talk in [[User:Geyser/Test#Panel_4.4|PAGE 1, panel 1]]
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-;[[User:GC|GC]]
+;[[User:Guido|GC]]
 :In this scene trial, Avatar is depicted wearing shades or trying to conceal his eyes from the attention of the people around. I thought Avatar's eyes can be instead one appealing feature that may be well exploited. I thought his eyes have both to shield and to show some kind of deepness of character or charisma.
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@@ Line 88: / Line 88: @@
 :Specifically, I want to see what troubled Christine so much : "But his eyes, his eyes weren't any different. It's awful to see, and it scares me."
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-;[[User:GC|GC]]
+;[[User:Guido|GC]]
 :The solution I adopted has been [to] sketch out the eyes of someone who is interrogating, or who is pondering how to answer a question. In [either] case, Avatar is watching straight [at/through/in] your face: and this attention reveals an intention.
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@@ Line 99: / Line 99: @@
 :As for the mirrored sunglasses :
 ::"He wore a dark helmet, completely hiding his features. And it was made of that weird plastic [...]. Like, you looked in it, and all you could see was your own face."
-:Be it [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Good_Omens Good Omens] (DEATH) or [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0164961/ Vidocq] (the Alchemist), it's not unusual for archvillains to hide their face behind a reflection of their environment... and that of their victims.
+:Be it [[wikipedia:Good_Omens|Good Omens]] (DEATH) or [https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0164961/ Vidocq] (the Alchemist), it's not unusual for archvillains to hide their face behind a reflection of their environment... and that of their victims.
-:[[ONI|Oni]] too has such a villain : [[Mukade]]...
+:[[Oni]] too has such a villain : [[Mukade]]...
 ----
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 ==His mouth==
 ;Hidden by folded hands on [[User:Geyser/Test#Page 1|Page 1]]
@@ Line 122: / Line 123: @@
 :Unless we ''see'' him leave, I think the scene relies too heavily on speech. A spooky guy is sitting in a big office, another guy talks to him and leaves, then chats with a coworker. What happened?
 :Practically, I think the talk with Grieve should be Avatar's last business in his former office. If ''he'' walks out at the end of the talk, leaving Grieve alone in ''his'' office (with someone who is clearly ''his new secretary''), the transfer of power is clearly shown through the screenplay alone : the old boss is gone, Grieve is in charge, and must settle the business with Christine.
-:Additionally, it's appealing to show Avatar "leaving the building", even as Grieve and Christine talk about him : both lines can be symbolically intertwined (see below).
+:Additionally, it's appealing to show Avatar "leaving the building", even as Grieve and Christine talk about him : both lines can be symbolically intertwined (several narratives running alongside each other, down a page's columns).
-:There are at least two ways he can "leave the building" : either sink into the darkness of the parking lot, or soar up into the troubled skies (take an elevator to the helipad). Both ways call for different arrangement of the parallel narrative, and they also branch differently into the next scene. See below, again.
+:There are at least two ways he can "leave the building" : either sink into the darkness of the parking lot, or soar up into the troubled skies (take an elevator to the helipad). Both ways call for different arrangement of the parallel narrative, and they also branch differently into the next scene. See [[User talk:Geyser/Test2#Narrative|Here]].
+===Wucraft===
+:If it's the helipad he's heading to, how about a large VTOL plane (e.g. the one Muro's escaping with in {{C5}})?
+===Time of year===
+:Early winter ([[Konoko|Mai]]'s excursion at the [[STURMANDERUNG]] complex was in the first days of December, probably December 3). Allow for a thin layer of snow or frost.
+===Time of day===
+:Sunrise. Not so early because it's winter, but still early enough so that Avatar can avoid the morning rush. He may have summoned Grieve and Christine out of bed.
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 ==Dead wife==
 ;Avatar's wife, Simone, died after the Cataclysm.
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 ;[[User:Geyser|geyser]]
-:Did she die of her ''physical'' wounds (collapsed building) or did the poisoning help?
+:Did she die of her ''physical'' wounds (collapsed building) or did the poisoning help? Did she die before the rescuers arrived, or at the hospital?
+:Since the collapse occured in the middle of a winter night, with the couple lying "naked" in their bedsheets (effective heating)... there's a very real risk of ''freezing to death'', especially for the pregnant woman.
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 ;[[User:Geyser|geyser]]
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 ==Flashback==
 ;Avatar's words about his wife's death are complemented by Christine's story of what happened at the hospital ([[User:Geyser/Test#Page 4|Page 4]])
@@ Line 146: / Line 156: @@
 :Same as above for Avatar leaving the building, it's a bit strange to see such a "spoken flashback", not illustrated in any manner. As a reader, I found it hard to connect with Christine's messy tale, which ends with a lame "it's so fuzzy, I can't say what". In a way or another, I ask to see at least ''some'' of that what she's talking about.
 ===ACC explosion===
-;[[User:AF|AF]]
+;AF
 :The other idea I toyed with was following avatar (of course, he wouldn't call himself that yet) from the time he's trapped under his collapsed apartment building (caused by the acc explosion) with his pregnant wife.
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 ;[[User:Geyser|geyser]]
 :I always wanted to know how Oni's apartment buildings looked like : my mental picture is somewhat closer to Asimov's "Caves of Steel" than to the 1984 movie. And where they were located. Was there such a thing as commuting? downtown? suburbs? And in Europe?
+:The only public elaboration so far is that on [[WCG#Futuristic_architecture|WCG architecture]]
 :I also wondered how close the [[ACC]]s could be to a city's center/suburbs. A few considerations [[ACC#Added value|HERE]].
-:Anyway, the immediate impact from a destroyed ACC is not so much the shockwave as the ensuing pollution. Those calls 3/4 toxins are supposedly just as vicious as "the nightmare that killed [Jamie Hasegawa]".
+:Anyway, the immediate impact from a destroyed ACC is not so much the shockwave as the ensuing pollution. Those class 3/4 toxins are supposedly just as vicious as "the nightmare that killed [Jamie Hasegawa]".
 ===Present some pain to the reader===
-;[[User:AF|AF]]
+;AF
 :I decided I was being way too cruel to the reader though, and decided against it.  Obviously I need to present some pain to the reader in order to show how we can transcend it, but I felt I was simply clubbing them over the head with one nasty scene after another. Fine line, right?
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 :I mean, you don't have to show the ''very'' things Christine is talking about (that would be redundant), but you can ''put them in context'' (complementarity).
 :Also consider showing simple pictures like one hand holding another, for both scenes above (collapsed building & hospital).
+:Since the contextual images have to accompany the actual dialogue (and there's Avatar's way out to take care of), you can split the narration in three columns.
 ===Full restraints, hallucination, sedation===
 ;[[User:Geyser|geyser]]
-:At what point were the "full restraints" applied? How bad was ''he'' to start with?
+:At what point were the "full restraints" applied? In how bad a shape was ''he'' to start with?
-:Could he have been able to move around (stand by her, hold her hand...) until she died? And ''then'' flipped off?
+:Could he have been able to move around (stay by her, hold her hand...) until she died? And ''then'' flipped off?
 :Or is the strength of the moment in the lack of physical contact? That it's more traumatizing to hear her "beep out" a few feet away, without being able to so much as reach out (not that it would help, but it still matters).
 :So, in a pretty bad shape as well, was he?
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 ;[[User:Geyser|geyser]]
-:This whole scene looks like Avatar and his wife received a rather exceptional treatment after the let's-say-shockwave (hospitalization? a whole team of medics? a separate room? normal recovery period, with visits and such? everything nice and clean?)
+:This whole scene looks like Avatar (and his wife if she died at the hospital) received a rather exceptional treatment after the let's-say-shockwave (hospitalization? a whole team of medics? a separate room? normal recovery period, with visits and such? everything nice and clean?)
 :OK, he's a big boss, and she's pregnant, but what about the few hundred (equally rich?) people who were sleeping in the same building as the couple, and in the buildings next to it?
 :My impression is that the cataclysm was an unprecedented meltdown : the medics were dramatically outnumbered (''even if'' they only tended to the elite). Same for medical equipment, stretchers, hospital rooms...
-:I recognize that having her die right next to him ''on a hospital bed'' is "appealing"
+:Even field hospitals (tents, stretchers on the floor) seems too commensurate a response. "The dead and the dying now line the streets"...
-So I assume Avatar ''was'' in a position to demand hospitalization for his wife ().
+:I'd say big bosses such as Avatar could only be rescued by private means (e.g. [[BGI]] employees operating BGI paramilitary vehicles, summoned and coordinated by Avatar's secretary, or something).
+:The rescuing operation may have taken quite some time, so there's a good chance Simone was already dead (and Avatar very nearly dead) when they dug up the couple.
+:Then Avatar gets his convalescence (it makes sense not to place him in a hospital, but have him recover at BGI)
+:As he "thaws off", he exhibits a disturbing delirium-like state : he's been frozen in the very state of someone who's losing his sister soul and family, and keeps reliving the loss of his wife again and again. Even though he lived through, doctors and colleagues fear they may have lost him.
+:And then all of a sudden he gets back in focus. Correct?
 ===amputating something===
 ;(emotional courage? empathy?)
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 ;[[User:Geyser|geyser]]
-:I can't imagine Christine saying that. It's not really clear whether it's the character or the writer who can't find their words. The parentheses are especially awkward.
+:I can't imagine Christine saying that in a regular speech bubble (the whole tirade is so long it would hardly fit in the panel, IMO). The two questions in parentheses are best set apart, in bubbles of their own (no speech tail, V.O.-style). That calls for a much lighter panelling, though, and a much smaller amount of speech.
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 ==Conspiracy==
 ;[[User:Geyser|geyser]]
 :There are two events occurring simultaneously, that contribute to Avatar's claimed disgust of his profession and former life : his wife's death, and "the board's coup against [him]".
 :One of those events is clearly secondary, so for the sake of conciseness I'd scrap it completely. Let the conversation focus on Avatar's main reason to stay, and on his disgust ("I'm respected by people I despise" etc).
+[[Category:Userspace]]